


In Which Warren Kepler Dies and Everyone is Much Happier Because of It

by Agent_Scribe



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Gen, I tagged for Major Character Death but like?, and there's a body, dies, everyone lives except Kepler, he just, it's not described, the happy AU everyone wants, who gets vented into space
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 06:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10380657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agent_Scribe/pseuds/Agent_Scribe
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Warren Kepler is accidentally vented into space and as a result, life on the Hephaestus is 100% better and everyone becomes friends. ...eventually.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic ever, I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm in love with this podcast and I just. had to take out my frustrations about Kepler's continued existence so. here we are. enjoy!

_This is the log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. Make yourselves comfy folks, because this is a long story. And I still can’t believe it happened. It all started two days ago when things were feeling a little hot under the collar down in Engineering…._  
[flashback synth sounds]

“Hera?”  
“Yes Officer Eiffel?”  
“I just walked into Engineering and uh, it’s a furnace in here! What’s going on?”  
“I don’t know. Everything should be fine...give me just a moment and I’ll - oh. Oh no. Oh that’s not good.”  
“...Hera? What’s going on?”  
“N-no-othing! Nothing is h-happen-ing at all. I definitely did not just open the airlock in Hanger Bay 4 instead of changing the pressurization in Engineering, and I most certainly did not just vent Commander Kepler into space.”  
“...Hera, I could kiss you.”

\---

“Hera?”  
“Yes Lieutenant?”  
“Do you have those calculations for the star charts yet?”  
“Almost. They’re at about 80%”  
“Okay. Well, my rotation ends in a few minutes so we’ll go over them tomorrow-OH my GOD Hera!”  
“W-wha-tt?”  
“Is that - why is - oh hell.”  
“...yeah.”

\--

“Maxwell?”  
“Yeah?”  
“C’mere a second.”  
“Jacobi, I’m working on some very complicated code right now so if you could just shut up for one second -”  
“No, Maxwell, you need to see this.”  
“Ugh, fine! … Oh. That’s...that’s not good.”  
“Yeah... Thought it might be more important than your code. Looks like we might have a mutiny on our hands.”  
“Guess we better arm ourselves.”

\--

So yeah, things were getting edgy. People were getting nervous. Guns were coming out. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. When Commander Minkowski called the crew together for a Talk...well. Things didn’t go according to her plan, I’d imagine. 

\-- 

[comms tone] “Attention, crew of the Hephaestus: Lieutenant Minkowski has asked that all crew members report to the aft hangar bay to discuss certain...recent developments. Thank you.” [tone] 

Jacobi and Maxwell exchanged a look and a nod. The look communicated everything they needed to know from ‘I’ve got your back’ to ‘I see the shock in your eyes and there will be time to hug each other and mourn later but for now we have a job to do.’ Jacobi patted his hip, nodded, then stepped through the door from Urania to Hephaestus, Maxwell right behind him. _Entering enemy territory, prepare to engage._

Alexander Hilbert looked up from scrubbing the floors - a menial task Kepler had put him to for no other reason than pure spite - and sighed. “Hera, vhat is going on?”  
“Uh-uh-uh there’s been an...in-ci-d-dent.”  
“An...incident.”  
“Yes!”  
Hilbert sighed again, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Very vell. I suppose I vill find out the specifics at the meeting.” He stood, sighing yet again. _I am getting too old for this…_

Captain Isabel Lovelace sat up at the end of the announcement, grateful. Technically, she was supposed to be sleeping, getting some shut-eye after her last rotation but… Well. The nightmares. Or were they more properly memories? She didn’t know. She rubbed her hands over her face, stood up, shook herself a little. “Time to go see what fresh nightmare is happening now…”

\--

“Eiffel, you’re not helping matters.”  
“Sorry Commander. Just trying to work out the jitters.”  
“Eiffel. Stop swimming laps.” Pause. “That’s an order.”  
“...Fine.” Eiffel pushed lightly off the far wall and drifted back towards Minkowski, arms crossed. Somehow, despite the obvious tension in his posture and corners of his expression, he still managed to look like a pouting toddler. 

Then Hilbert entered the room, and the tension overwhelmed Eiffel’s face. “Vhat has happened, Minkowski? Vhy have you called us here?” the science officer asked, brows furrowed. “Not that I mind being pulled away from floor scrubbing. Ugh.”  
“Just look out the window, KGB,” Eiffel said.  
Hilbert stilled as he looked past Eiffel to the window. The window with an excellent view of the body slowly drifting towards the brilliant blue star. Hilbert’s eyes narrowed. He looked between the two of them.  
Silence stretched.  
Minkowski clenched her right hand, fingers aching for a weapon.  
Eiffel started to look blue around the mouth and eyes.  
Finally - “Vhich one of you idiots did this?” Equal parts angry and exasperated. This is exactly the sort of thing he expects from these idiotic, utterly crazy, and...fantastic people.  
Eiffel let out the breath of a dying man breaking above the waves. Minkowski’s hand unfurled, a flower feeling the first brush of sunlight.  
“Neither of them, Doctor,” Hera said. “I-I-I d-i-d it. It was a - a glitch.”  
“A glitch.” Sarcasm compressed the doctor’s mouth.  
“A glitch,” Hera and Eiffel said in unison.  
“I see. How very...convenient.”

“I’ll say.” Captain Lovelace pushed off the doorway behind Hilbert, arms crossed, a hard set to her mouth that nearly matched Minkowski’s  
Eiffel flinched so hard he drifted backwards a few inches. Minkowski responded with a quiet, “So we thought.”  
As she got a better view of the window, Lovelace whistled appreciatively. “So you are good for something after all, Hera. Good to finally see the proof.”

“I’d like to see you -” Hera started, overlapping with Eiffel’s indignant “Hey!” when Jacobi and Maxwell shot into the room, knocking Doctor Hilbert out of the doorway.  
“Hands up where I can see them!” Jacobi said, gun out and threatening. Eiffel squeaked  
“Right now!” Maxwell snapped.  
Eiffel’s hands shot up so hard he winced. Minkowski raised hers with as much enthusiasm as a certain comms officer on star chart updating day. Lovelace snorted and rolled her eyes, but showed her hands. She wasn’t stupid. Hilbert first retrieved his glasses and settled them on his nose, then obeyed the order. “This is ridiculous,” he muttered.  
“Maxwell, Jacobi,” Minkowski said, her voice calm and level, with a hint of trying to soothe a wild animal. “Why don’t you put down the guns and we’ll have a calm discussion like civilized people. I’m sure -”

“We don’t negotiate with mutineers,” Jacobi said, flint striking steel.  
“Whoa okay,” Eiffel said, nervous laughter spilling out of his mouth. “Guys, take a breath! Nobody’s staging a mutiny! We’re all friends here! Any...incidents...that may...have occurred...were completely...accidental.”  
“Shut up Eiffel,” Jacobi said, pointing his gun at the Comms Officer.  
“Um, guys?” Hera broke in.  
“Not now Hera,” Maxwell said. 

“No, really, guys, this is all a simple misunderstanding if you would just-”  
“Eiffel I said SHUT UP!” The gun in Jacobi’s hand shakes a bit. Eiffel shuts up. “Here’s what’s going to happen,” Jacobi continues, echoes of Kepler behind every word. “You all are going to shut up and not cause any trouble. And we are going to call -”  
“Um, guys?”  
“Not. Now. Hera!” Jacobi bit off, the gun starting to shake even more.  
“This is kind of important!” Hera said, edging into frantic.  
“Unless the ship is in imminent danger I suggest you shut the hell up, Hera,” Jacobi said, as a bead of sweat rolled down his temple.  
“Well heh. Heheh. That’s uh, funny that you should sa-ay t-h-at because uh. You know that solar flare? The one we were supposed to prep for? Yeah. That one. It’s coming a lot sooner than we thought. Like um, way sooner? So, as much as I _hate_ to break up this party...we’re all gonna die if someone doesn’t do something!”

 

\--

_So yeah, Dear Listeners. That’s when it all went to heck._


End file.
